


over nothing i make a monsoon and it’s about you

by iamsiriusblackserious



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Love Potion/Spell, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), but not really?, we will not kinkshame sirius black
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-23
Updated: 2020-01-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:53:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22372894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamsiriusblackserious/pseuds/iamsiriusblackserious
Summary: “I'm sure it's not that bad. Come on, let's get on with it." Sirius reached out to grip the table and pretended to brace himself for a blow."Alright, you get first sip," Remus said absently as he ladled a bit of the potion and brought the wooden spoon to face Sirius, holding his other hand cupped beneath it to avoid spilling. "Hopefully this isn't poison.""Got a Bezoar handy?" Sirius joked, but opened his mouth to allow Remus to pour the potion inside. He swallowed and waited a beat before frowning. "Not poison, then, but I'm not-" He cut off, his eyes going wide then glazing over, his mouth curving upwards into a dreamy smile.orremus might have accidentally fed sirius a love potion, and while their friends think it’s hilarious, remus is struggling with secretly liking it when sirius holds his hand
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 9
Kudos: 371





	over nothing i make a monsoon and it’s about you

**Author's Note:**

> so i initially wrote this six years ago and posted it to another site, then promptly forgot all about it until about two hours ago when i rediscovered it and decided to clean it up a bit and post it here
> 
> title is from the song “come undone” by tove lo
> 
> tw: possible mild dubcon due to the inherent nature of love potions; spoiler-y details in end notes, don’t trigger yourself in the name of surprise, loves

**_Setting: sometime mid sixth year, a dark, dank dungeon beneath the school that no sane person would ever choose to be in unless forced against their will_ **

"Moony, you don't add the salamander blood until the potion is turning umber," Sirius said, a smug smirk on his face as he stopped his friend's mistake for the fifth time since class had begun.

Their shared cauldron was bubbling away next to Remus, and he cast Sirius a quick glare as he corrected himself. "Since you're so ace at Potions, why don't _you_ do the work and _I'll_ supervise?" he grumbled, squinting down at his book.

Sirius managed to flash him a toothy grin before turning back to the girl he was flirting with, a pretty Hufflepuff with blonde curls. "Poor chap is complete pants at Potions," he explained to her with an air of great sadness. "Needs all the practice he can get."

She leaned around Sirius to peer at Remus and asked, "Why did you choose to go for the Potions N.E.W.T. if you're not very good at it?"

Remus gritted his teeth and bit out, "'Cause I'm a bloody masochist!"

"Now now, Moons, don't take your ineptitude out on poor Shelley," Sirius scolded him fondly, eyes dancing with glee as what he dubbed 'Moody Moony' came out to play.

"Spell 'ineptitude' and I'll apologize."

Shelley appeared quite unfazed by his attitude and smiled brightly. "So you're in Gryffindor as well?" she asked.

"Well spotted," he snorted as he carelessly skinned the shrivelfig and fairly tossed it into the cauldron. "So you've seen my tie, have you? Nicely done."

"Remus J. Lupin!"

"Yes, Mum?"

Sirius rolled his eyes at his friend's sarcastic response and shook his head at Shelley. "My dear, I apologize for Moony here. It's close to his time of the month."

"Oh no, I quite like him," she replied enthusiastically. "How long have you two been friends?"

The two boys glanced at each other, then Sirius answered, "Oh, five and a half years, give or take a bit."

"Right. Every time he says something stupid, I subtract five minutes - so technically, we'll be friends in the year 1994."

"Stop being so crabby!" Sirius admonished, his expression the exact opposite of upset. "Shouldn't you be worried about the smoke?"

"Smoke - oh shit!" Remus groaned, whirling around and staring helplessly at the dark plumes of smoke rising from their cauldron.

From where he stood across the room, admiring Lily's own cauldron, Professor Slughorn called out, "Language, Mr. Lupin, that'll be five points from Gryffindor! Now, if you'd be so kind…"

"Yes, Professor," Remus mumbled, waving his wand and causing the air to clear instantly. Ignoring the snickering filling the room, he poured all of his not inconsiderable concentration and will into righting the potion, despite the fact that it was a worrying shade of lilac rather than the pretty green it was supposed to be at this stage.

Sirius and his little friend thankfully kept him out of their sickening display of flirtation for the next hour or so, most of which Remus spent sweating, cursing under his breath, and praying to every heavenly being he'd ever heard of that he wasn't making a deadly poison - while Sirius was the tester, he didn't actually want to kill him, perhaps just give him really uncomfortable stomach or intestinal pains.

Finally, he'd performed all of the steps and was simply standing there, staring down into the cauldron in dismay. He'd fucked something up. It wasn't even the right consistency, let alone the right color. A hand landed heavily on his shoulder and Sirius gave a low whistle when he caught sight of their potion. "Blimey, mate. This might be one for the books. You know, for the _Potions Remus J. Lupin Has Tried and Failed to Make: Sixth Year Edition_."

"It's your own bloody fault for mucking about with Shelley. You're a lousy chaperone. You had one job, Padfoot, _one job_."

"I'm sure it's not that bad. Come on, let's get on with it." Sirius reached out to grip the table and pretended to brace himself for a blow.

"Alright, you get first sip," Remus said absently as he ladled a bit of the potion and brought the wooden spoon to face Sirius, holding his other hand cupped beneath it to avoid spilling. "Hopefully this isn't poison."

"Got a Bezoar handy?" Sirius joked, but opened his mouth to allow Remus to pour the potion inside. He swallowed and waited a beat before frowning. "Not poison, then, but I'm not-" He cut off, his eyes going wide then glazing over, his mouth curving upwards into a dreamy smile.

"Sirius?" Remus said nervously when his friend neither began speaking nonsense nor keeled over.

At his name, Sirius' eyes rose to meet his, then Remus cried out in alarm as Sirius launched himself forward and sent them both crashing down, Remus' elbow knocking into the cauldron and sending their potion and marks for the day spilling out onto the stone dungeon floor.

"Black, Lupin, what in Merlin's name…?" Slughorn shouted as he waddled over to them as fast as his short, stubby legs could carry him.

James and Peter stared from across the room as their friends rolled around on the floor. "Sirius, get off!" Remus yelped, struggling to pry the arms from around his neck. "Get off, you daft mutt!"

Surprisingly, Sirius immediately let go and sat back on his haunches like a dog, staring wide-eyed with that same dreamy smile on his face. "What happened?" Slughorn asked as he finally made it to them and hastily vanished the potion spilled out on the floor, but not before noting the color and frowning. "Today's potion was supposed to be indigo, boys; yours was chartreuse. And _lumpy_."

Remus winced and rubbed at his neck, where Sirius' admittedly weak hold had left his skin warm and tingly, a fact he mentally filed away for later contemplation. "Er, I may have messed up, just a bit, Professor."

Slughorn sighed, "Oh Mr. Lupin…" He turned back to Sirius and frowned. "Are you alright, Mr. Black?" he asked gently.

Sirius' expression didn't falter, not even when he said, "I can't believe I didn't see it before."

"Er, Mr. Black?" Slughorn asked uncertainly, and he actually jumped a little when Sirius suddenly stood. "Mr. Black-"

"You're so _pretty_ , Remus," Sirius spoke over him, his eyes trained on his dumbfounded friend. He crossed the distance between them in three long strides and…stroked his hair? "Your hair is so _shiny_ , Remus, how do you get it to be so _shiny_ ?" he asked, taking a step closer as his other hand joined the first, combing through the strands with steadfast focus. "And it's so _soft_!"

If he hadn't just potentially broken his best friend, Remus might have found the situation comical (James and Peter certainly did - they were in near tears, clutching each other simply to stay on their feet), but at the moment it was as far from funny as it was possible to be. Ignoring the strange hair-petting, his horrified gaze strayed past Sirius to Slughorn, who looked about as freaked out as he himself felt. "Professor?" he said nervously. "I - what potion did I give him? Can you fix it?"

The question seemed to startle Slughorn from his thoughts, and his face screwed up into a puzzled scowl. "I'm not entirely certain, Mr. Lupin. It doesn't appear to be anything immediately life-threatening, but I'll have to investigate the situation further before I can form a viable hypothesis."

Turning to face the rest of his students, he clapped his hands together and announced, "In light of Mr. Black's, er, current condition, class is dismissed for the day! Please place a vial of your Babbling Beverage at the front of the classroom and clean up your work areas!" To Remus, he added more quietly, "Gather your and Mr. Black's belongings and come to my office, Mr. Lupin."

Swatting at Sirius, who now had his nose pressed to his head and was blatantly sniffing his hair, Remus replied, "Yes, sir."

As soon as Slughorn swept away (most likely to praise Lily some more on her exemplary potion), James and Peter hurriedly bottled their potion and rushed over to them. "Bloody hell, you sure know how to liven up a lesson, Moons!" James exclaimed, grinning as if the entire debacle was put on purely for his entertainment. "What did you feed him, a Love Potion?"

"Shut it," Remus snapped, his stomach sinking at the thought. _Was it_ a Love Potion? Sirius hadn't made any grand declarations of love as of yet, but he was now - _was he actually licking his hair_?! "Sirius, stop that!"

"It's actually really creepy, when you look at it from this angle…," Peter commented, tilting his head to the side.

"Licking your friend is creepy at every angle!" Remus growled, jerking away from Sirius, who merely hummed and tried to move in again. "Sirius, honestly, stop licking me!" he protested. "Oi, you two lumps, help me out here!"

James chuckled and moved to their vacated work area. "Alright, we'll pack up your stuff!" he said joyfully, shoving Remus' textbook into his bag without sparing a second thought for Remus' organizational order ( _Potions_ book next to _Charms_ , not _Herbology_ ). "Wormtail, stop staring, get Pad's bag."

"But look, now he's biting his ear, that's super creepy-"

"Peter, I will end you!" Remus hissed, putting space between himself and Sirius with a mighty shove that managed to knock his friend somewhat off balance for all of three seconds before he was back to nuzzling Remus' ear.

"Er, right, get Padfoot's bag, right."

After much pushing and shoving, laughter and joking (and Remus' thinly-veiled threats), they managed to get Sirius to Slughorn's office - he wouldn't leave Remus' side, and at one point he actually tried to hold Remus' hand, which earned him a slap upside the head. The professor entered moments later and frowned at the four of them. "Mr. Potter, Mr. Pettigrew, it would be best if you waited outside," he told them. "This is a rather delicate situation. I'm going to be asking several probing questions, and I'm sure Mr. Black wouldn't appreciate his privacy being invaded, were he in his right state of mind."

"What? But, but Remus gets to stay!" James whined, pointing at his friend quite obviously.

"Well, he's a bit glued to my side, isn't he?" Remus retorted, grimacing at a particularly sharp tug on his ear. "Sirius, if you don't stop messing about with my ear, I'll never help you with your History of Magic homework again."

Sirius didn't appear worried - it was pretty much an empty threat, anyway.

Sighing loudly, Slughorn simply waved a hand towards the door. James held out for a moment longer, then he dropped Remus' bag and stalked moodily out of the room, Peter trailing closely behind. Before closing the door, they heard James call out, "I am not happy about this! Just so you know!"

Remus rolled his eyes and reached up a hand to massage at his temple where a friendly neighborhood migraine was beginning to cheerfully knock. "I apologize for that, sir," he told Slughorn wearily.

"Never mind that, my boy - bring Mr. Black over here, yes, there's a good lad - take a seat - no, not on Mr. Lupin's lap, Mr. Black, on the chair - this is going to be much more difficult than I originally anticipated."

Half an hour later, the migraine was throbbing insistently at Remus' temple and Slughorn knew quite a bit more about the Marauders than was comfortable (not anything particularly incriminating, however - or, nothing that would get them thrown out of school, at least), and he was now settled back in his large, overly-plush office chair, his chins quivering as he sat deep in thought, chewing absently on his lip. After a moment of deliberating silence, he seemed to come to a decision and nodded.

"Well, it is my professional opinion, Mr. Lupin….that what you brewed in class today was a potion of unknown properties," Slughorn concluded. At Remus' dismayed expression, he added, "However, I don't believe it has negatively affected Mr. Black's health, and the effects should wear off within twenty-four hours. I feel it would be best if you and Mr. Black confine yourselves to Gryffindor Tower until then, and I've already sent word to Professor Gibbles explaining why the two of you won't be in Defense Against the Dark Arts this afternoon." When Remus opened his mouth to protest this, Slughorn held up a staying hand. "That wasn't a request, Mr. Lupin," he said tersely. "You are responsible for your friend, and if anything injurious happens under your watch, I'll change my mind and be forced to hold you personally accountable for this entire episode. That means suspension, at the very least, and I'd rather avoid that if at all possible."

Swallowing his objections, which was difficult with the lump of fear lodged in his throat, Remus nodded weakly. "Yes, Professor. I'll watch over him," he promised.

-

An hour later, he was extremely tempted to watch as Sirius flew from the Astronomy Tower - to the ground.

"Sirius, please, I am trying to concentrate!" he groaned, smacking his friend's hands away from his ankle - and really, what was so fascinating about his fucking ankle? "This essay is due tomorrow and I refuse to use the 'my friend wouldn't stop stroking me' excuse."

"Your skin is so pale and soft," Sirius mused aloud, that dreamy smile that was really starting to get on Remus' last nerve making another appearance. "And you're not as hairy as I thought you would be, considering your furry little problem and all. Can I see your toes?"

Remus scrunched up his face in disgust, but looked around the common room once again, just to make absolutely certain there was no one else there. They were still quite alone, so he let go a sacrificing sigh and bent to remove his left trainer. "When you're back to yourself again, I'm going to tease you mercilessly over your apparent fetishes," he warned, tossing the shoe to the floor and carefully removing the sock as well. "There. It's a good thing I'm not James, you'd have keeled over by now." There was a rumor that James' foot odor could fell a giant - they had yet to locate one and test out the theory. "Get to it, then." He wiggled his toes in a teasing manner with a short laugh that morphed into a yelp when Sirius grabbed his foot and yanked, nearly pulling him off of the couch and into the table.

"Aww, your toes are so cute!"

"Are you bloody serious?"

"I should hope not."

Great. Lost his mind - didn't lose his sarcastic streak. Lovely.

Another half hour went by before people started wandering in. As soon as the Portrait Hole opened, Remus snatched his foot back and hastily worked his trainer back on, stuffing the sock into his bag along with his Herbology text, parchment, quill, and ink well. Sirius was pouting, but immediately brightened when Remus hissed, "Grab your bag and don't say a word, and I'll let you hold my hand."

He slung his bag over his shoulder and grasped Remus' hand tightly as Remus quickly led them up the stairs to the boys' dorms, just as the common room began to fill with voices. They made it to their dormitory without incident, but when Remus made to drop Sirius' hand, he was met with a whine. "What, you want to…seriously? We're - but you - alright, come on then, let me get a bit comfortable, at least," he grumbled, setting his bag onto the floor near his trunk and collapsing onto his four-poster with a relieved sigh. His migraine had never really left, but now that he was able to relax and close his eyes against the light streaming in through the windows, it was starting to slowly ebb away. That might or might not have had anything to do with the fact that Sirius had settled onto the floor beside him and was still holding his hand while his thumb stroked reverently over his knuckles.

So of course the door flew open then to admit their bumbling fellow Marauders.

"Aww, look Wormtail, they're so cute!" James cooed, slinging his schoolbag somewhere across the room while carefully juggling the food cradled in his arms. "This looks very familiar, where have I seen-? Oh right, the Hospital Wing."

"What are you on about, Prongs?" Remus mumbled, throwing the arm that wasn't occupied over his eyes.

Peter was the one to answer, saying, "Well, Sirius does this every full, doesn't he? Sits by your bed the morning after and holds your hand?"

That warranted sitting up a bit, which Remus couldn't be bothered to do, but he did remove his arm shield and peered at them incredulously. "He does what?"

"Didn't you know?" James asked in surprise. "Actually, come to think of it, you're usually out until afternoon, and he's pretty sneaky about it, but…well, you never have those nightmares when he holds your hand."

Those nightmares. Right, the terrifying ones he used to have after full moon, the nightmares that ranged from waking up as a werewolf and not being able to turn back, to finding himself in a cage and hearing from a stony-faced Dumbledore that he'd ripped his friends apart during the transformation. Those had thankfully stopped during his second year - he'd always imagined it was because his friends knew and his guilt had lessened, but that was also when they started showing up in the Hospital Wing the day after. His mouth opened, but words failed him. He tried again and managed, "He…does he really?"

James nodded. "Every time - well, except during the whole Snape debacle. But yeah, he's always in there, holding your hand. I like to call it the After Hair Care, myself."

Remus looked to Sirius, suddenly remembering that he was sitting right there and could hear them talking of him like he wasn't, but Sirius didn't seem to be listening. He was still largely occupied with studying Remus' hand and hardly seemed to notice there were others in the room. Clearing his throat audibly and blinking away sudden tears, Remus said, "Right. Well, I suppose I should tell you lot what Professor Slughorn said…"

After he'd relayed all that he knew, James and Peter were gob smacked. "How does he not know what potion it is?!" Peter asked incredulously. "He's the bloody Potions teacher!"

"Well, apparently I'm just that good," Remus joked, but the delivery was weak at best. "But he did say it wasn't life-threatening, so I suppose we'll just have to deal with the situation accordingly. I just wish we didn't have to stay up here all day, I'm starving."

Peter brightened at that and held up a covered tray no one had realized he was holding. "Oh, that reminds me! I thought, since you skipped lunch, you might be hungry, so Prongs and I snuck down to the kitchens after DADA and grabbed some food!"

Remus actually did sit up at that and watched eagerly as Peter lifted the cover to reveal at least a dozen sandwiches that smelled better at that moment than any food had a right to smell. "Oh Pete, I think I may love you!" he sighed gratefully, reaching out to grab one - and then being yanked back to the bed. "Hey, what - Sirius!"

"Stay away from my Remus!" Sirius growled, curling a protective arm around Remus' shoulders and glaring at a startled Peter. James' shoulders shook with silent laughter as he placed his own load of food on the bedcovers.

"Oh for the love of - Sirius, I was joking!" Remus told him, exasperated and a little bit thrilled and mostly just hungry. "I'm not going to run off with Pete, you can still hold my bloody hand, just let me have a sandwich before I starve to death, please!"

As before, Sirius immediately brightened and allowed Remus to move forward again, beaming with pride and sticking his tongue out childishly at Peter and a bemused James. "Can I hold his other hand, Pads?" James asked with a sly smirk.

"No!"

Sirius' behavior became more and more zealous as the day wore on, and Remus' head ached more and more, and by the time they were ready for bed, he was seriously considering the possibility of being expelled if he could just smother his friend with a pillow, just for a few hours. In the end, however, he merely shut himself up in the bathroom to change into his pajamas and threatened to castrate him if Sirius so much as thought of breaking down the door, and then he emerged and stood beside his bed with eyes averted as Sirius, who obviously was completely shameless and had no qualms about nudity, stripped and pulled on his own pajamas in front of a horrified Peter and a catcalling James (who was definitely getting punched in the face after all of this was over).

It was then, however, that a thought struck Remus and he froze in place. "Remus?" Sirius questioned softly, running a hand down the boy's arm in a comforting gesture.

"Um…I don't suppose you're going to sleep in your own bed…?" Remus asked.

"No, I wanna sleep with you!" Sirius demanded, his brow furrowing as if he were honestly confused as to why it would even be a question.

Remus sighed. "Right, thought so." He shot a glare at James before he could comment and climbed into his bed with nothing more than a displeased grunt. "If you snore, I'll hex you," he threatened as Sirius crawled in beside him, dreamy smile and all. "Goodnight everyone, and if I find any pictures of this, I won't hesitate to slip a Love Potion to both you and Snape, James!"

"Moony, that's not even funny!" James cried out seconds before Sirius reached over and pulled the curtains shut, leaving the two of them in the dark.

It was a bit awkward at first - Sirius wanted to spoon and Remus kept scooting further away until he almost fell off, but eventually he gave in and let Sirius curl around him. Honestly, it wasn't unpleasant at all, unless you counted the fact that he was being forced into this position against his will, but even then the argument fell short because he'd secretly wanted nothing more than to be this close to Sirius, even if he'd never let himself actually think about the possibility. Now that he knew exactly how it felt to be held by someone, Remus doubted he'd ever again be able to sleep alone.

He'd almost drifted off to sleep when the arm draped across his middle shifted, and Sirius whispered, "Moony?"

"Mm?"

"I love you, Moony."

Remus smiled. "I love you too, Pads."

Sirius shifted again, and this time his breath was hot against Remus' ear when he said, "No, I _love_ you."

Swallowing heavily, Remus opened his eyes in the darkness when his heart clenched painfully in his ribcage. The words sounded so sincere, his voice full of emotion, and - it wasn't real. His hope plummeted and he let out a small noise of distress. "Remus? What's wrong?" Sirius asked, worry coloring his tone. "What is it?"

"I…nothing," he choked out, burying his face into the pillow beneath him and wondering how it was possible for his heart to hurt more than his still throbbing head. "Just…migraine."

"Oh." Sirius' hand slid up from Remus' waist to his head and he began running fingers through his hair once again, kneading and applying gentle pressure to his scalp until Remus relaxed against him. "Feel better?" he whispered, nuzzling into Remus' shoulder when he hummed in assent.

Remus was completely boneless and rested when the fingers suddenly stopped their massage. "Can I kiss you?" The sleepy haze he was in would later be blamed for his calm, "Yes."

Then his head was being tipped to the side and there were slightly chapped lips pressed to his cheek and he chuckled a bit at the placement until Sirius corrected himself and _oh_ was all he thought for the next several minutes. He didn't have much experience, but it was obvious that Sirius was a really good kisser, well he had had a lot of practice, if the rumors were to be believed, he was out snogging girls…

_Girls_.

He pulled away so fast that his head reeled and he pressed his face back into the pillow until the vertigo passed.

"Remus?"

Without bothering to lift his face from the pillow, Remus said, "I think we should go to sleep now, Sirius. We'll talk in the morning." Except it came out as more of a long groan.

Either way, Sirius seemed to get the message and replied, "Okay. Goodnight, Remus."

He didn't have the mental or physical energy to lift his head, so he mumbled his goodnight into the pillow and hoped it didn't sound like he was having a bit of a panic attack. Sirius didn't seem to notice his mental anguish, for he was snoring softly within minutes, curled against Remus' side and clutching him as if to keep him from escaping during the night.

After all of the shit he'd been through in his life - being bitten, worrying he'd never be accepted into Hogwarts, feeling guilty that he had to keep such an integral part of himself from his friends, just constantly, constantly worrying that the monster he had next to no control over was going to hurt someone he loved - this shouldn't have hurt the most. This shouldn't make him feel so empty. But it did. _Wow, this just might actually kill me_ , was the last conscious thought Remus had before he nodded off into the most restful sleep he'd achieved in ages.

-

The next morning, he awoke to an empty bed. Temporarily disoriented, he stretched his arm out and felt around, expecting to find Sirius had simply rolled over during the night, when there was the creak of bedsprings from across the room and James' voice, strangely quiet, said, "He went down to breakfast with Pete."

Rising into a sitting position, his back against the headboard, Remus blinked until his friend came into focus and frowned when he noted the troubled expression on his face. "Oh? So he's…"

James nodded, and his eyes flicked up to meet Remus' for a second before darting back down to stare at the floor. "He woke up about twenty minutes ago. Peter and I had just woken up when he yanked the curtains back and flew straight to the bathroom. We asked him if he was okay, if he wanted to talk about it, but he just…" He shrugged. "It was weird. His face…he looked really…I can't explain it. Not really scared, more…" He trailed off into silence.

His stomach rolled painfully and Remus had to close his eyes to will away the sudden urge to vomit. "Scared," he repeated in a low murmur. "He was _scared_. Of me."

"No, Remus-" James began, immediately standing to refute the very idea. "I think it was just, the potion, and all that stuff he did in front of everybody-"

The words might have seemed comforting, but they pierced Remus' ears like angry spells and he flinched away from them. Pulling back his bedcovers, he stood as fast as he could without getting dizzy and went to work tugging his pajamas off, for the first time in a very long time not caring that his body was on display. His thoughts were centered on that same word: _Scared. Scared. Scared_ . Sirius had actually been _scared_ of the situation he'd found himself in. _Scared_ to find himself lying in bed with Remus.

"Remus-"

Grabbing a pair of trousers and a random shirt, Remus pulled them on as fast as he could, ignoring James' increased attempts to get his attention. Slipping into his trainers and stowing his wand in his pocket, he managed to glance to his friend and offered a smile that fell flat. "Don't tell him I left because of him," he pleaded. "Just - if he asks, I needed something from the library."

James' expression grew even more bleak at the request. "Oh Remus-"

"Please, James."

"…alright. Just…" He hesitated. "Are you two going to be okay?"

_I hope so_. "Of course!" Remus answered, his tone full of obvious false cheer. "This is just…" But he didn't really know what it was, so he let the statement dangle and left the dormitory without looking back.

Several students tried to gain his attention as he left the common room, left Gryffindor Tower altogether, but he ignored them and didn't slow his rapid pace even when he'd made it down to the ground floor and then outside, where he found his breath immediately came easier. There weren't many students out this morning, and he managed to slip out to the Forbidden Forest without being seen. Rather than enter the dense wood, he instinctively turned to the right and there she was; his favorite tree on the grounds. Not too tall, she had just enough foliage to keep the base of her trunk shady, and that's where he sank to the ground, leaning back and closing his eyes. His breath was coming in panicked little bursts, but he couldn't seem to concentrate enough to calm down.

It wasn't supposed to happen this way. Whenever Remus had pictured finally confessing his feelings to his best friend, they were usually happy fantasies where Sirius would beam and laugh and say something like, " _Oh, you too? I've been in love with you for ages_ !" and then there was usually kisses stolen between fits of giggles and sweet cuddling while their friends jokingly retched in the background. Only occasionally did they go the other way - even then, Sirius had always just given him a pitying look and told him that, " _Well, I don't feel that way about you, Remus, but don't worry, we can still be friends_!" and Remus would gracefully take the blow and struggle to accept being "just friends".

But this - outright rejection - his subconscious hadn't thought to provide that scenario. He hadn't thought it possible, that Sirius would be so disgusted by the thought that he'd actually…

He stayed there, lost in his thoughts, for what seemed like days but was most likely only a few hours, before his hearing picked up a single set of footprints in the distance, drawing closer, and he panicked for only a second before deflating wearily. This conversation was bound to happen sooner or later, and honestly, he just wanted to get it over and done with so he could move on. Or attempt to move on, anyway.

When the footsteps paused a mere two feet away, he didn't bother opening his eyes. "Heterosexual freak-out?" he guessed, his tone flat.

Nervous shuffling, then a sigh. "Right." Sirius' own tone was cautious, but he lowered himself to the ground anyway, careful to keep a good foot between them.

Silence reigned for several long moments that probably should have been more awkward, but oddly was mostly thoughtful. Just when Remus was contemplating actually opening his mouth and letting the speech he'd been constructing over the past three hours spill forth, Sirius let out a deep sigh and asked, "So, what part are you at, just so I can follow along?"

"…what?"

"You know, like, are you at the _'maybe it's just been a while since I've snogged anyone, this doesn't mean I'm into blokes at all_ ' stage, or are we close to the _'fuck, I am totally into blokes, maybe I should get a tattoo to commemorate this momentous realization, right after I go and write home, 'cause Mum will freak out and I'd rather get it over with in a letter before I have to see her in person'_?"

Remus was certain that his mouth was hanging open, but he couldn't exactly concentrate on the fish out of water impression when his brain was busy throwing itself about in his skull in its own version of a tantrum. "What?"

"Well, obviously I skipped that last step - I definitely wanted to see the old hag's reaction when she discovered her first-born was a brilliantly shiny poof, and she did not disappoint, let me tell you - I've never seen her turn that particular color before, it was a thing of beauty, really, and I did consider the tattoo-"

"Wait, Sirius," slowly, because when you were trying to get a straight answer out of Sirius, it was best to go at a snail's pace so he was forced to pay attention to the question, "are you trying to tell me that you're…gay?"

Sirius blinked as if that was the most idiotic question of the century and replied, "Uh, yeah. Did that not come through in all of the snogging from before?"

Remus spluttered, "What - but - you were bewitched, Sirius! You were enchanted! I fed you a bloody Love Potion, for Merlin's sake! It's not like you actually wanted to kiss me."

"Well, that's a bit of a hasty assumption for you to make," Sirius argued, scowling. "I think you've got things a bit turned around, mate. Whatever you're thinking, it wasn't your fault. That wasn't a Love Potion you brewed. It was…I'm not even sure what it was." His expression mellowed from annoyance to confusion, and he drew his knees up to his chest unconsciously as he struggled to find the right words. "I remember thinking _'huh, this looks like utter shite but it sort of tastes like James' mum's special pudding that no one has the heart to tell her is only bearable if you don't breathe while you're eating it_ ', and a second later, I realized you were standing in front of me with that concerned expression that's just so adorable, and it was like you were all lit up and gorgeous and I just couldn't take it, I had to hug you, and…" He made a helpless _'and you know the rest, obviously_ ' gesture with one hand.

Far from putting him at ease, Remus' stomach began that uncomfortable rolling all over again and he was definitely going to throw up - "So, what, you were just forced to see me as some sort of pinnacle of perfection?"

Sirius snorted. "First, you had to know I'd make fun of that word. Pinnacle, really? And second, no, it wasn't like that. It was really more like…I couldn't hold myself back. Usually I'm able to stop myself from giving into those sorts of thoughts, but the potion just…" He shrugged. "It stopped me from stopping myself. Does that make sense?"

No. Nothing made sense anymore, because Sirius had basically just confessed that he often had the urge to touch Remus in a more-than-friendly way, and that just didn't make sense. While one part of his tortuous brain was having the mini freak-out he felt that was perfectly justifiable at this point in his life, another was ignoring that part and prompted him to open his mouth and say, "It lowered, or perhaps completely removed, your inhibitions."

"Well, it didn't _remove_ them…otherwise we'd both be expelled, or at the very least in a year-long detention for indecent exposure."

A distressed noise escaped Remus at that, spoken in jest or no, and Sirius winced. "Right, sorry, that was too much sharing," he mumbled apologetically.

They sat in silence for another few moments - and this time it really was awkward - while Remus struggled to process and make sense of the complete one-eighty the conversation had taken. Finally, he gave up and simply sighed. "My head is ready to explode - can we talk about this tomorrow?" he pleaded, his eyes sliding shut of their own accord.

"Sure, that's fine," Sirius agreed readily, his tone equal parts amused and disappointed. "Do you want me to…?" he began, trailing off when Remus forced his eyes to reopen. "What I mean is, do you want me to leave?"

Remus sighed once more as he stood, stretching muscles that protested the motion and wincing at the pull. "There's no reason for you to leave if I'm leaving," he pointed out, the corner of his mouth twitching in a sad facsimile of a smile.

"Right."

He was going to just walk away, really. He'd even gone so far as to take several steps, but something in Sirius' tone just sounded…wrong. So even though he really wanted to just leave this conversation for another time - for when it didn't hurt so much to look at Sirius - he glanced back.

Sirius wasn't watching him go. His head was thrown back against the tree trunk and his gaze was directed upwards. As Remus watched, his face contorted into a painful grimace and his eyes squeezed shut and-

He was turning around before consciously ordering his body to do so, closing the distance between them in three long strides and sinking to his knees beside Sirius. "Fuck it," he growled, and Sirius' eyes flew open in shock. "I don't want to wait until tomorrow," he continued, cupping Sirius' face with both hands and drawing their foreheads together. "I'm not exactly sure what any of this means to you, but - I'm tired of being too damn cowardly to tell you how I feel, and I'm tired of not being able to touch you when I want, because I want to touch you all the time, and I don't want to waste anymore time if there's a chance that you want this, too. I love you and if you don't love me…I can't say that's okay, because it's not, but I can try to make it be _more okay_ , and-"

"Moony," Sirius interrupted, his grin sudden and so damn bright it lit up the whole damn world. "Just shut up and kiss me, because I love you, too."

**Author's Note:**

> tw: although the potion isn’t necessarily a love potion, it does lower sirius’ inhibitions and he kisses remus while suffering the effects
> 
> come say hi on tumblr! it’s the same name, iamsiriusblackserious


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